Fact: No matter what i do and no matter how hard i try, i will always be a failure. Simple as that.

well guys im at the end of my rope. things just arent workin out for me n theres not too much farther i can go. college isnt for me, or at least thats wut my dad says, n if thats not for me then wut is? i dont no wut to do ne more. things r just piling up. im prolly not even coming back next semester, so i basically have bout 2 weeks left till im gone n out of WI for good. *cries* n theres really nutin i can do about it. i feel like ive failed at everything and everyone. i cant be the person i wanted to be because well....lets face it....im just not good enough. i guess i never was, never will be. i just lied to myself cause i couldnt stand not being something. ive been lost in the crowd all my life and theres really nothing i can do to change it. i wish there was. oh god wit all my heart i wish there was a way to fix things. but it just doesnt seem worth it ne more. school is sucking, friends r leaving, my father says im not good enough and not cut out for school, that i need to go out n work for a living instead. wut am i supposed to do when my entire life has been built around goin to college n making something of myself? theres nothing left. nothing to keep me going. and this scares me, cause now i no i no longer have ne thing to loose. i have everything to gain, but wut would be the point if im not doing wut i want? i dont wanna drop outta school but thats my only choice, no one is giving me ne other. n i dont wanna just sit around the rest of my life. i feel completely and utterly alone. no one is there ne more and no one seems to care. i came out here n i feel so cut off. sure im surrounded wit ppl that i no n hang out wit but none of them actually no me, none of them actually care enough about me to no wuts goin on, n the ones that try, well, i cant even let in cause i dont wanna be hurt again. n that just makes them wanna turn away n not care ne more. its me being stubborn n i HATE it but no matter how much i wanna open up to someone n no matter how much i just wanna cry about all this, i cant. i just cant. i wont let myself. its like im cast under this spell and i can see everythin im doin frm a distance but theres nutin in the world that will let me influence it. n thats just not fair. to me or to the ppl who try, which r so few n far between that i think ive scared most of them off.

ever just want someone to hold u while u cry n tell u that everythin is gonna be ok? that theyll be there for u forever n never leave u? that they care n theres nothing u can do to stop them, no matter how hard u push away? that theyre never going to give up on u? i do, every night before i go to bed, thats my wish, my little prayer. i wish it on a shooting star, i pray it at night, but u no wut? its not happening, and never will. im not a very lovable person, so y would ne one put forth the effort? i used to say that i wasnt gonna get married until i was somewhere round 26 because i would have school n i had a lot in my life to do, n i wanted to make sure that it was the ryt person. well now that i think bout it, i see that i was just lying to myself. it was telling myself that because i didnt wanna see the truth that hurts so badly. i didnt wanna see that i was pushing it off so late because in reality i was never really gonna find ne one. i was gonna be alone. my greatest fear of all: being alone n never finding that one person who will love me forever. i push every person who has ever wanted to love me away, n i cant stop it! i hate wut i do but everything in me is against changing it. n i just dont no wut to do ne more.

i just dont no wut to do.........

I want to die
With all thats left in me
I want to slip away
Into the nothingness about me
Nothing is as it seems
And I'm tired of walking on
I want to die
Due to the nothing I've become

Fact: Taking advantage of the little things in life just might land you somewhere that you don't want to be. Namely on the wrong end of a great relationship gone bad.

well its been a while, i went home did a bunch of shit, n came back to school. sad to say but i missed it here. but the other sad thing is that im most likely not comin back next yr. *tear* <--thats real by the way. i love it here n it makes me sad to think on this subject, but alas, i must. but now, moving on....

i dont even no where to begin on here. im feelin so alone and out of sync wit everything n everyone. i have ppl left n right tellin me that they missed me n they were glad to see me for christmas n then i have other ppl who just say the shit for the hell of it. which saddens me greatly. cause the ppl that said that i love deeply. isnt that just horrible? idk...

i really dont even no how how to begin to describe wut im feelin ryt now. i guess this will have to do:

Abandoned In Silence

I'm seeing your face
And I'm trying not to cry
I'm hearing your voice
Yet trying not to question why
I'm leaving you behind
And not turning back
All I need is your love
But that's something I lack
All I wanted was for you to hold me
And see that light in your eyes
When I give you that kiss
Just made of surprise
But you didn't hold me
Or give my lips a kiss
You just stood there
I wasn't even something you missed
I'm still holding out tho
In this little glass shell
The one that you're breaking
Just looking at me as I fell
Please love me
I hear my heart scream
He's already forgotten you
My mind says, it seems
Daunting and toying
You're messing with my heart
You've gathered my world
And torn it apart
All in that moment
Your noncompliance
That simple look
Abandoned in silence

Fact: The best thing about being away from people for a long period of time is coming home and seeing all of them and realizing just how much they really did miss you.

TWO DAYS!!!!!!

yup guys thats it. i come home the day after tomorrow n i am absolutely crawling outta my skin wit anticipation. i cant wait to see everyonel.

*shout out to mikey n timbsey* thanks for the guarantees that ill have a good time. im much more confident that i will now that i have ur assurance. lol. *hugs* u guys r awesome!

but ne way. i took two of my finals today. it think i actually did quite well. im proud of myself. they were pretty easy tho cause the one was the exact same as the review sheet n the other was multiple choice wit ?s just frm the previous tests...yay! wish me luck for tomorrow tho cause idk how im gonna do on that one. the dreaded chem final. oh no! lol.

all u ppl who i havent talked to recently but would still like to see me, let me no!!! im not tryin to leave ne one out, ive just had so much to do lately wit finals. i still love everyone of u n u all no that. how can i not? u guys r my friends! the best ppl in the world!

*peace love n blu penguin guts*

Fact: You could be surrounded in a room by a million friends and yet at the same time be as alone as someone stranded on a desert island.

FOUR MORE DAYS!!!!!!!!

yet it seems like 4 weeks, this week is takin so long to just get over wit. i just wanna get home n see everyone. just tryin to get thru finals. which shouldnt be that fun....

on to a happier subject....i found out that contrary to popular belief, i dont have to wake up at the buttcrack of dawn to catch a flight home. i only have to wake up at dawn. lol. its ok.

certain ppl need to no, n idk if they even look at this site but im gonna have to say it ne way, that i still love them n that wuts goin on now in my life isnt their fault. idk wut happened today or wuts goin on now, but all i no is that im hurt by wut u did, i wish u could understand n actually talk to me n see wut im thinking instead of takin it wrong all the time.

but yea, party on sat when i get back. i cant wait. u guys r so awesome. thanks for makin me wanna come home even more than i already did. *grins* i appreciate it oh so much. well this is all for now.

*peace love n blu penguin guts*